Forever Alone

I often wonder why I care so much about people who probably could care less about me. I've never really been close to anyone in my life. Even when I was little I used to run off and play by myself and never cared if anyone was around. I've always kept my distance and for good reason. When I get to close to someone it just turns to shit and I get my heart broke. So why do I want to put myself through that? It's not worth it. Problem is even though I try to keep my guard up, I sometimes let it down and let some one in and sure enough the relationship goes up in flames and all I'm left with is ashes and tears. Isn't it sad when every single person in your family has betrayed you and treated you as though you don't matter? I help all these people out and I wind up screwed over in the end. What is the fucking point of even having family? Are they just around to walk on you and treat you like shit? That has been my experience so far. My father and grand parents are deceased. My mother and I talk but more less tolerate each other. I have 6 siblings and as of tonight I'm no longer in contact with any of them. I have 4 beautiful children, the only family left I truly care about and love. I can't stand my husband. Our marriage has been nothing but lies, cheating, abusive (mostly verbal) from day one. My kids are the only good thing in my life, the rest of my life is shit and the people in it are horrible or just never around. I try not to be combative towards anyone but what is a person to do when getting kicked in the teeth over and over again? I'm sick of bending until I break. I know shit happens and life isn't perfect. How much does one person have deal with? Nothing but disappointment after disappointment and betrayal after betrayal. At least my kids are the light in all this darkness. I hope the family they surround themselves with turns out to be more supporting and loving then mine. I've never felt more alone and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe one day I'll find happiness and won't feel so alone in the world.