Today is a new day! I have one of the most dysfunctional families in the world! We spend more time fighting then we spend together and I'm sick of it! I'm forgiving everyone in my family and starting over! I hope that they can do the same, but we will see! The fighting and holding grudges for years is so stupid and it's usually over petty shit! We are all hot headed, but I can't take it any more! I have already forgiven and apologized to my mother! I'm going to try to keep my mouth shut and not blow up as easily! We are all wasting our time and energy being mad at each other and missing out on each other's lives! I tired of my kiddos not being able to see their uncles aunts! I'm done! My 8 year old daughter has a brain tumor and I need my family right now, ALL of my family! I don't know what is going to happen to her! She has a second MRI in 6 days! We will find out the results the day after! My niece is getting married and it would be nice to see the whole family there! Also, I need to focus on my health and happiness more and forgiving and apologizing to my family is the first step! There is nothing I want more than to be happy and be loved by my family! I'm taking the first steps and standing up to say enough is enough! I'm going through a lot and can't handle the extra drama! It will be up to my siblings and how the respond where things will go from here! I really hope that someday we can be a family again! I miss them! I think my hubby and I need to get back to how we were too, but without all the secrets, lies, cheating, and BS! We both have grown up a lot and need to let that shit in the past go, but remember so we don't make the same mistakes! We haven't really been OK for the last five years and it sucks! We have been through a lot and I haven't rally felt anything for him for the last five years! That needs to change! I think if we work on it and can find time for just us that maybe we can get back to being happy! Having four kids doesn't make things easy!
I've been slowly working on bettering myself for the last two years! I'm slowly trying to start my own business, which is hard due to lack of funds! I'm a Pagan minister through Universal Life Church! Next year I plan on starting classes to get certified as a Herbalist and a Aromatherapist! This is something I'm committed to and I hope to one day have my own shop! I'm a stay at home mom, so I might as well do something with my time! I sure in the heck don't want to be an old woman and look back on my life with regret!
Another thing that has been bugging me lately is my weight! I have been struggling with my weight most of my life! Even if I do lose weight I'm never going to be a skinny person! I would really love to be a smaller size though! It's not about looking good for me, because I really don't care what people think! It's about being healthy and not dying from a heart attack at 30 years old! I'm really overweight too! I believe the term is morbidly obese! I'm 5'6" and weigh 375 lbs., that is not healthy at all! I have gained 150 lbs. of that in the last 11 years! Something has to change! I know I'm doing a lot of damage to myself and it could kill me! I don't want to go through surgery! I need to eat healthier and get more exercise! I eat healthier than a lot of people I know, but I still need to work on it! I drink skim milk, eat whole breads and pasta, I eat lots of veggies and fruit, and we even recently switched from regular hot dogs to turkey franks! And I hardly ever use sugar or salt in our food unless it needs it! I drink mostly water and unsweetened tea and only have a pop once or twice a week and usually only drink part of it! So, there are some things I'm doing right, but there is a whole lot I'm doing wrong! I'm addicted to pizza and cookies! I don't know why, I just am! Instead of eating small meals and snacking in between like I should be doing, I have a habit of eating like 2 big meals a day which causes me to over eat! I also have a bad habit of waiting until the last minute to cook supper and have recently learned that eating late suppers can cause weight gain! Because we are poor with four kids, I have a habit of buying quick pre-made food that is cheap and easy to fix! I need to get on the ball and change these bad food habits and fast! I don't exercise at all which I'm sure is the big reason I'm gaining so much weight! It's hard to be motivated to get up in do something or go for a walk when you have four kids to take care of and a hubby that is always gone! Also, doesn't help when you have photosensitivity and anemia also! I'm constantly stressed, had 4 kids in 5 years, and have big people on both my mom and dad's sides of the family! But, even with all those factors, I know I need to lose weight and stop using those things as an excuse not to do anything at all! So, I have decided that I must and will lose weight! My goal is 150 lbs. to start, but I plan on losing it 20 lbs. at a time so that I don't get bummed and quit working toward my goal if weight isn't dropping fast enough! I also need to remind myself that it took 10 years to put this weight on so losing it isn't going to be fast! I really think I can do this and I need too! I don't want to have serious health problems or die! I want to watch my kids and their kids grow up! I'm going to sit down and make out a menu to follow, eat even more healthier, cut out some of the junk food, and get back to cooking meals from scratch! I also need to get off my ass and my computer to get out and walk even if it's just around the block every day! Because of my weight I'm going to start off with walking and as I lose weight I can up my activity! I will be doing more frequent blog posts so that everyone can follow my progress! I need all the support I can get!
From here on out my life is going to be about being happy and loving myself, family, and friends! Life is what you make it and I want mine to be a long, happy one!
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