Forever Alone

I often wonder why I care so much about people who probably could care less about me. I've never really been close to anyone in my life. Even when I was little I used to run off and play by myself and never cared if anyone was around. I've always kept my distance and for good reason. When I get to close to someone it just turns to shit and I get my heart broke. So why do I want to put myself through that? It's not worth it. Problem is even though I try to keep my guard up, I sometimes let it down and let some one in and sure enough the relationship goes up in flames and all I'm left with is ashes and tears. Isn't it sad when every single person in your family has betrayed you and treated you as though you don't matter? I help all these people out and I wind up screwed over in the end. What is the fucking point of even having family? Are they just around to walk on you and treat you like shit? That has been my experience so far. My father and grand parents are deceased. My mother and I talk but more less tolerate each other. I have 6 siblings and as of tonight I'm no longer in contact with any of them. I have 4 beautiful children, the only family left I truly care about and love. I can't stand my husband. Our marriage has been nothing but lies, cheating, abusive (mostly verbal) from day one. My kids are the only good thing in my life, the rest of my life is shit and the people in it are horrible or just never around. I try not to be combative towards anyone but what is a person to do when getting kicked in the teeth over and over again? I'm sick of bending until I break. I know shit happens and life isn't perfect. How much does one person have deal with? Nothing but disappointment after disappointment and betrayal after betrayal. At least my kids are the light in all this darkness. I hope the family they surround themselves with turns out to be more supporting and loving then mine. I've never felt more alone and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe one day I'll find happiness and won't feel so alone in the world.

Springtime in Star City

It's that time of year again. Springtime has come to Star City (Lincoln, Ne). Everything is turning green, flowers are blooming, and animals are scurrying about. I love springtime. It's one of my favorite seasons (the other is fall) and it's a great time for me to get outside and take some pics. This year we decided to plant flowers in our yard. Lilies and Roses are my favorite flowers so that's what we bought. I also found plant called Saliva with purple flowers on it that I liked so we bought one of  those too. I plan on purchasing more flowers when we can afford to. My kids would like a few more colors added to our patch of lilies and I believe we could never have to many roses. As the summer and fall go by we are going to add other things to our garden like a bird bath, gazing ball, and maybe a small statue or two. The kids had fun helping us plant our flowers and we are hoping that they will want to help out with the garden over the summer while they are not in school.

 The weather is heating up quickly and my kids know it's the time of year for fun in the water. My husband I have already let them play in their kiddie pool and they had a blast. They don't mind that the pool is really small as long as they can cool off and splash around. I wish we could have a larger pool, but we have a small yard and when you live in the city they have certain rules you have to abide by to have a larger pool. My father-in-law live in an apartment building with indoor and outdoor pools, a jacuzzi, and a sauna so if we want we can go beat the heat over at his place too. For now my kids are happy with their little pool.

Despite the recent very hot weather, we are all trying to enjoy the season and are looking forward to spending time with the kids over the summer. Hopefully, we can survive the summer with all four kids here at home all day every day. Between the pool, bikes, sidewalk chalk, and other outdoor toys they should have plenty to keep them busy. I will having plenty of pictures to take to keep myself busy. Let the fun begin!